danniperson

Oddly enough, beating oneself up over one's healing process is decidedly unhelpful.

On the surface, it sounds easy. And with the awareness of mental health struggles, it might even sound noble. The reality is that self-care is very, very difficult. It can't just be me.

All of my self-worth is tied to my usefulness to others. How is what I'm doing beneficial to others? How is what I'm doing considered productive? Even my desire to improve my mental health is tied to others. I'm doing poorly; I need to work on that...As is, I'm a burden to others. Self-care was turned into a checklist that I marked off with gusto.

Rarely did it actually help. Lately it's been feeling a lot like failure; but now I'm not so sure. Change doesn't happen overnight. I'm a 30 year old perfectionist with a long history of anxiety, OCD, and bucket loads of trauma. There's a lot for me to unpack. A lot to untangle in my head, alongside learning this new skill of self-care.

So...not failure, so much as learning. I've been more aware of my struggles, and my mindset, and my intentions. It's been trial and error. Baking is relaxing if I'm doing it for fun, and if I don't add the "I should bring this to work to share with my coworkers -- now this loaf needs to be extra good!"; writing is enjoyable if I don't think "I need this to be perfect so people don't judge me!"; reading is nice if I don't think "I need to finish this and finish that, because my friend wrote it, or I want to get involved in this conversation, or to knock more titles off of my to-read list."; watching shows or films because I want to and not because "I need to finish, need to be up to date!"; I want to be more involved with the community but it quickly turns into "I need to create this server, join this fest, do this and do that."

Last week I hit my breaking point. I took some mental health days off work. I told myself -- repeatedly -- to not feel guilty for missing work, and to not feel obligated to work on writing. To not rush around doing housework, or feel bad if I don't do housework. Over and over I told myself to just do whatever I felt like doing. No rush. No pressure. Everything else could wait for 2 friggin' days. Just...chill out, for once!

And lo and behold, it helped!

The worries crept in, but I smacked them away. "No, we're not doing that today." I still did a lot. I'm always happiest doing something. I accomplished various tasks, but it wasn't for anyone. I drafted a few unfinished rec lists. I made more work on my AO3 bookmarks. I dove headfirst into typing up Harry Potter astrology essays. Wherever my whims led, I followed.

It was refreshing! I had fun! I felt good for the first time in a long time.

How I can hold the worries at bay long term, I don't know. I have realized I need to scale back on my obligations. Admit defeat for my own betterment. Free up my time to focus on what I'm passionate about. Remembering that not second of every day has to be useful or wasteful, with no in between.

Maybe I've not yet "achieved" great self-care, but I also haven't failed. It's a process, a journey. One I'm actively working on. I'm trying. I'm learning. That's growth, however small.